Monday, April 7, 2008

#9 Goya

When it comes to brand loyalty, Latinos are blood in and blood out. To
hell with Snuggle or Downy, Suavitel is official fabric softeners-
spic approved. Feminine wash? Summer's Eve?!? No no mija use Lemisol.
And when it comes to groceries leave all that other crap on the shelf
because it's all about Goya baby.

Most supermarkets separate their aisles by product types so in aisle 1
the sign will read "Cereal, Syrup, Oatmeal, Pancake Mix." Aisle 2:
"Bread, Cookies, Crackers and Juice." Aisle 3 simple reads: "GOYA."
That fact that Goya is the only brand name with their own Aisle in
every supermarket across America is a true testament to the power of
the Latino dollar. You don't see a "Kellogg's" aisle or a "Nabisco"
aisle, that's cause gringos ain't ride or die like that.

From rice and beans to cooking oil and garlic powder, Goya has
cupboards on lock. If Goya made a soap, Latinos would lather up and
proudly walk around smelling like salchichas. And with tasty soda
flavors like Coconut, Tamarind and Cola Champagne, 50 Cent may have
been better off doing his VitaminWater deal with Goya instead of

The reason why we go so hard in the Goya aisle is simple, cause our
mothers used it. And god forbid she sent you to el "super" with a list
and you came home with that "other" can of Gandules, mijo please. Goya
O Boya!

Friday, April 4, 2008

#8 Marriage

More so than any other race Latinos love getting married. It’s a tradition that starts from young, as many Latin kids get married before they even graduate from high school. And if at first we don't succeed we try, try again.

La Familia is one of the most important aspects of Latin culture. We have a gang of brothers, sisters, cousins, tios and titis. How else can we become the world's most dominate culture if not through marriage? (“My seeds rool with his seeds, marry his seeds; that’s how we keep Latino money in the family”). As a Latin male the second worst thing you could be is single (I'd tell you the first, but I don't want to offend our homosexual brothers and sisters- don't blame me blame machismo). The fact of the matter is without a wife, Latino males will reek of dirty laundry and die of starvation because we simply do not cook or wash clothes.

You still don't believe that Latinos are addicted to marriage, you need proof? Well let's use our prototypical Latin couple Jennifer Lopez and Mr. Jennifer Lopez a.k.a. Marc Anthony. J.Lo has collected more rings that Michael Jordan and the ink was barely dry on Mr. El Cantante's divorce papers before he hit city hall with La Reina de Culos. Its basic survival instinct, if you're Latino and your single than you’re dead.

Now don’t get it twisted just because we’re addicted to marriage doesn’t mean that we do it for love or anything like, because we are some of the world’s biggest cheaters as well. What does love have to do with it?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

#7 Culos

When it comes to ass we gotta give it up to our Black sisters, ya'll hold the crown there is no doubt about that. All praises due, bow down. But when it was time to take nalgas to the mainstream a.k.a. the WP that's all us and ya’ll can’t deny it.

Before Ms. Jennifer Lopez arrived on the scene mainstream America's reaction to Bootyliscious babes was much like a Sir Mix-A-Lot video. "Oh my god Becky look at her butt." But thanks to La Lopez white women went from utter disgust to hitting up Dr. 90210 demanding the bubbliest of the bubbles.

Now ever since J.Lo shook her big 'ol booty into America's collective sex drive, women of all shades are being applauded for their backsides. Beyonce, Serena and even the white girl's poster child for booty Jessica Biel have benefited from Jenny from the Block's trailblazing butt.

Still it's something about the Latina ass that makes it just a ‘lil more special. From birth Latinas are given a steady diet of rice and beans twice a day everyday and a weekly dose of Morir Sonandos. By the time she reaches 18 she should have the perfect Latin ass and she didn't have to pay $5 gs per cheek for it. But arroz con habichuelas don’t do it alone and before Kanye West gave the world his work-out plan the hip-shaking rhythms of Salsa and Merengue is the icing on the cake giving the culo that round yet firm shape.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

#6 Religion

When it comes to religion, Latinos are D4L. Ever devoted Catholics, Latinos are the only people in the world to goes as far as to name their children after the son of God (Everyone Loves Jesus- we should have a sit-com). We get rosaries and scriptures tattooed on our arms, chest and necks. "Down with the King" is more than just a rap song when it comes to Latinos.

"Vaya Con Dios" is what our grandmothers say before we leave on our daily journeys. When we return home we ask for blessings ("Bendicion") and our elders are so in touch with G-O-D that they actually feel empowered enough by the lord to bestow those blessings upon us ("Bendiga").

We call out to God so much even non-Latinos can decipher our native call to the big guy upstairs. If we hit the lotto we're like, "Ay Dios Mio," but it works if we burn a pot of rice too. Right before we beat our kids we call out "Dios Mio" too, as we're calling on God to give us that extra strength when dishing out whippings. But then during the beating the kids are calling out "Ay Dios Mio" as well. It's sorta like how Italians use the word "Forgeddaboutit" - remember Donnie Brasco? It's all-encompassing.

Have you ever passed a church with a Latino who didn’t do the sign of the cross? If your answer is yes, then they weren’t real Latinos. Check the cellar in any Latin home and you’ll be sure to find a bottle of holy water stashed right next to the excess toilet paper and excess bottles of Lemisol.

Maybe the most telling detail of Latinos' devotion to Christ is how we decorate our lawns. You don't live in a real Latino household unless you have a shrine of the Virgin Mary by your front door. And while most people set-up their nativity scenes (complete with the manger and baby Cristo) for Christmas and then take it down when the holidays are over, Latinos keep that bad boy up all year 'round. See our love for the Lord is deep, word to Abuela's Santo.